Tested

So ya know that blog post a few weeks back where I asked for a true test of my faith? Hah, well God has a funny sense of humor. These past few weeks have provided me with more tests than imaginable. For starters, persisting in my trust and strength in my Grandmas treatment. I just get a little frustrated sometimes that God hasn't given her some sort of sign to show her the light at the end of the tunnel. Even though it's the fifth of seven weeks of treatment, she just seems so discouraged lately, especially since her symptoms (rash, loss of taste, nausea) have really started to kick in full force. I continually pray that God will give her some sort of sign to let her know that it's going to be okay; I don't know if he's not providing the sign or if she's just failing to see it. Either way, it's super frustrating and it's taught me a lot about controlling my helplessness. That's truly been one of the hardest things for me to grasp in the past few months. How do I help when there's really nothing for me to help with? God has started to show me that sometimes our faith is all we really have to help us through situations; and sometimes, prayer is all we have to help us make it over the next herdel.
Because of her symptoms, Mom has started staying over there during most of the week to help my Grandpa take care of my Grandma and to just be there for them. Even though she only lives 20 minutes away in Florence, it's still been an adjustment getting used to Mom not being home all the time. It's taught me a lot about being selfless...My grandma surely needs my mom a lot more than I do right now and God has used this situation in a way to make me thankful for her when she's home and even when she's not. Something that I have always found really hard to say is that "I'm proud of my Mom" Not because I'm NOT proud of her, but because I don't have another word for it. It's beyond being proud of her...its admirable... with everything that she has going on right now, it's so unfathomable how one human can go to work, take care of me and my sister, still maintain her relationship with her husband, and still manage to cook and clean and maintain BOTH households... closest thing to superwoman I've ever witnessed! I don't know how she hasn't completely gone bonkers by this point. All I can say is that if anything ever happens that puts me in the situation of being a caregiver, I do half of what my mom has managed for her mom. (if you want to stay updated with my Grandmas progress check out her website www.caringbridge.com/visit/bettybakercarlson)

Secondly, I just want to reiterate that I truly have been blessed with some of the best kids to babysit this summer. But, again with the patience, God has provided me with the challenge to improve it. Sometimes, I just have to swallow that lump of frustration and calm down and explain to them...for the 700th time...the importance of not hitting your friends with foam baseball bats. Or why it's really necessary to close the door when you potty. Regardless, the happy times have outweighed the angry but I'm thankful that God has provided me with these opportunities to work on my patience and my ability to relate to these kids. Katie, the oldest of the three, and I had a really remarkable conversation the other week. I was outside watching them play and reading my Bible when she came up and started asking me about what I was reading. I did my best to explain my reading of Jeremiah and to my surprise she understood (granted, she got the cliffnotes version. Jeremiah is quite a lengthy chapter) most of what I was saying. It's so surprising to me sometimes how God pops up in the most unexpected places...like in the conversation with a 10-year old about her faith and how exactly we are supposed to pray and share him with other people. There's only one explanation for that...it's so God.

Thirdly, God has put to test my faith in a way that I'm still struggling with. He has pressed something so hard on my heart that it's one of those situations that it's like "Well God, this is going really great in my life and it's working out pretty awesome for me. Are you sure you want me to give you this?" And consistently, everytime, he responds with "yes". Dangit. I have just continually prayed that he helps me to let this thing go, but it continues to stay in my life. I need prayers from you guys (you know...all 5 of you that read this blog) that I gain the strength and courage in God to let this thing go because it's truly a life changing decision.

The Gauntlet is less than a month away and I'm growing more and more anxious yet excited! I get my own group of 4 girls and am responsible for them all week. Not exactly like camp because I'll have high schoolers, but more like Christian Chaperoning, I guess. I really can't wait to see what all God has in store for that week and I just pray that I'm ready to help share his word with young people and help them make a life saving decision...the best one I've ever made!

"But the Lord said to me 'Do not say 'I am only a child'. You must go to everyone I send you and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you', declares the Lord." Jeremiah 1:7-8

Much Love,
Emma